I will keep them safe
by DreamingFool95
Summary: Katherine Beckett loses her memory after she is attacked in her apartment. She can't remember anyone from the precinct but she feels drawn to one particular writer boy. Castle helps her through her daily life without any memory of her being a cop at the 12th and tries to help her remember a certain part in her life that is very important to him. (The story is set before Roy dies)
1. There is a time to forget

**1\. There is a time to forget**

 _"_ _Castle it is not your fault that she got hurt." Esposito said as we were walking out of the hospital._

 _I shook my head: "Yes, I know but I still feel bad, what if I would have been there?"_

 _"_ _Then you may would have gotten hurt too." Lanie said and put a hand on my shoulder: "The doctors say the hit on the head wasn't too bad and that she will be back on her feet in no time."_

 _"_ _I… I just…" I stammered, not really sure what to say._

 _In that moment I wanted to burst out what Kate and I had before she got injured so badly, that she had told me about her mother and that I had told her about how lonely I felt in all my marriages. Then the incredible night that we had together and how we didn't want it to end. The morning after we came down from our highs and reality set back in, I think we both expected everything to be very awkward but to our surprise it wasn't. From that day on we were closer than ever, we had decided that it was to soon to say that we were together so I suggested we meet up to have coffee or something else throughout the week and see how it would go from there._

 _First we only met every three days mostly during the day to have lunch or coffee together, but lunch turned into dinners and coffee turned into wine in the evenings. Although it wasn't going on for very long I knew that this with her was something special, not like my past marriages or the girls I used to date. She was the first woman that was truly able to kick the air out of my lungs, she was so uncomplicated and with her I felt wanted and not in need to prove myself constantly. I thought this was because we had been friends for so long that now everything was just easy because we knew one another._

 _That night we all went home with a sick feeling in our stomach, the doctors said that she would be fine but I had the feeling that when I would wake up tomorrow my life would change._

 _When I woke up the next morning I had three missed calls from Lanie and two from Ryan, I immediately called Laney._

 _"_ _What is it? Is it Beckett?" I asked a little afraid that over night her condition had gotten worse._

 _Lanie breathed out: "Yes, she was woken up Castle. Can you come?"_

 _"_ _Sure, how is she doing?"_

 _"_ _She is fine, she is going to be released tomorrow." Lanie told me._

 _"_ _Okay I will be there in five."_

 _I knew that Lanie told me that she was fine but I somehow knew that that was not the entire truth. But the only thing I could really focus on right now was getting to Beckett and getting there quickly, so I chose to run down the few blocks to the hospital because the morning traffic in New York was horrible._

 _I was a little out of breath when I made it up to Beckett's room. Laney, Esposito and Ryan were all waiting outside._

 _"_ _Castle!" Lanie said relieved and gave me a short hug._

 _"_ _Have you been in yet?" I ask as I pointed to the door._

"Have you been in yet?" I heard a voice outside the door.

My father was still sitting beside me holding my hand, he had explained to me that I had been robbed and had been hit over the head pretty hard. The doctor had explained to us that memory loss was rather common with head insures and that my memory would come back soon. It was weird that I couldn't remember the past years of my life. For me I had just become a police officer and had moved into my first apartment in the city. My dad had also explained to me that my colleagues were waiting outside and that they had turned into my family over the last few years. It was strange not remembering them and hearing those unfamiliar voices outside of the door. They had decided that I would meet them all together just very briefly to see if that could kick start my memory when I was seeing them all together.

When the door to my room opened all my muscles tensed, I didn't really know what to expect but when I saw all those smiling faces I calmed down a little bit. The woman that came through the door slowly came closer to my bed.

"Hey Kate… How are you feeling?" She asked carefully.

All of them knew that I had lost my memory and all of them were acting very careful.

I could see two guys wearing their detective batches, but the third one that came in last didn't seem like a cop at all, he wasn't wearing a suit and he had no batch or gun on his belt, so I assumed he maybe wasn't one of my colleagues but when my dad had mentioned earlier that this was my family I just assumed that he must fit into this differently.

When our eyes met a cold shower run down my spine and then a warmth spread throughout my whole body. It was somehow magical and when he came around the other side of my bed and carefully grabbed my hand I just assumed that we were very close by the way he acted towards me.

"Hey…" He said and smiled at me lovingly.

I brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and smiled back: "Hey…"

"Do you remember any of us?" The woman asked.

I looked into every single face again and then stopped at the man's face that was holding my hand: "No… I am sorry. There is just nothing."

I was getting uncomfortable and shifted around in my bed. The man that was holding my hand carefully brushed over the back of it and spoke in a very soft and loving voice: "That is okay, the nice woman over there is Laney, she works in the morgue at the precinct and the two guys over there are Ryan and Esposito they are your colleges and I am Rick-"

"My boyfriend?" I guessed and then everyone else in the room except of him started laughing, even my dad.

"No, Kate, he is a writer." Lanie said, still chuckling. "He used to follow you around to do research for his books and somehow he got stuck in the precinct and now helps to solve cases."

"Ignore them." Rick told me and kept stroking my hand: "It was a good guess."

"Yeah Castle, in your dreams!" Esposito said.

 _I was feeling a little offended right now, she obviously didn't remember who I was and so I was the only one remembering that I was more than just a writer to her. I was the only one carrying the memories of our great time together and I would keep them safe until she remembered herself, remembered how much she means to me. But there was something in her eyes when she was looking at me like somehow deep down she knew exactly what me meant to one another, as if she was feeling what I was feeling when I was looking at her. Maybe that was why she guessed I was her boyfriend she was aware of our deep connection._

 _Then a doctor came into the room: "Hello everyone. Hello Kate, is anything coming back to you?"_

 _"_ _No, sorry." I said and looked at him, somehow hoping he could cure me and give me back my memories._

 _He looked a little upset, but quickly out a smile on his face: "That is okay, it will come back. Except from your memory loss however you are fine, your vital signs are stable and you are not feeling sick so we are ready to let you go home tomorrow."_

 _"_ _Thank you doctor." Jim said and looked at his daughter._

 _She looked around not really sure how to cope with everything that was going on._

 _So Lanie made the right move: "I think we should leave and let you rest some more."_

 _"_ _Yes, we will all visit you when you get home and get settled in." Esposito said and made his way to the door, followed by Lanie, Ryan and Jim._

 _Kate somehow tightened her grip on my hand and I felt that she wasn't ready for me to leave yet, that was the moment I knew she felt it, felt our connection, although she didn't remember what we had._

 _After everyone had left she looked at me and smiled: "This is pretty crazy."_

 _"_ _Yes, it is." I said and just kept looking into her eyes, still seeing the spark._

 _"_ _Everyone seems to be very nice…" She mumbled and looked down._

 _She took a few seconds of silence before looking up at me and continuing to talk: "Except of my dad everything seems so very strange, people that are supposed to be like my family and I can't even remember meeting all of them. They are all like faces in a crowd…"_

 _"_ _Don't worry about it, you will remember." I told her._

 _But she wasn't finished: "Everyone except you, there is something that makes you stand out from the crowd."_

 _"_ _So you remember who I am?" I was getting my hopes up._

 _Just to have them crushed: "No, I sadly do not remember who you are but I have the feeling that you are someone very important… There is this connection."_

 _So she didn't remember who I was but she was feeling it too, that was good enough for me, not only good enough, it was the best feeling I had since I heard about her accident._

 _"_ _I know what you mean." I said and still couldn't let go of her hand._

 _She smiled, she seemed truly happy: "Would you mind accompanying my dad to take me home tomorrow? He told me that we were close but he doesn't live in the city so he doesn't come to visit me that often, but he told me the two of us were very close and I was hoping you could maybe help me find my place again."_

 _"_ _Sure, I will be here tomorrow." I was happy that she asked me to come and pick her up tomorrow._

 _When I was on my way to the hospital I got some flowers for Kate, so when she would come back to her apartment everything wouldn't be so dead. When I entered her hospital room she was already dressed in sweatpants and a NYPD hoodie._

 _"_ _Hey Rick." She said and came towards me pulling me in for a bear hug._

 _Something like this usually only happened when we were alone in her apartment or in my loft, but I felt happy when I was laying my arms around her. When we parted I gave her the flowers I was holding in my hands: "Here, these are for your apartment, so it looks a little nicer when you come home."_

 _"_ _Thank you." She said and smelled them._

 _Jim was taking her bag that had been laying on the bed: "Let's get you home, Katie."_

When I opened the door to my apartment I was met by something that was also unfamiliar to me, I liked the stile which it was decorated in and I could imagine living here but it didn't have the feeling of coming home.

My father moved through a door and started talking: "This is your bedroom."

Me and Rick followed him and I looked around, same as in the rest of the loft, nicely decorated but not home. My father and Rick showed me everything and then my father suggested to get something for us to eat. Rick and I both agreed and so he left the apartment to get something and Rick and I were alone.

I was walking by a dresser in the living room with pictures on them of me and Lanie, me and my dad, me and the precinct and one with me and castle in a park somewhere.

"How does this feel?" Rick asked as I was wandering around the room.

I looked around and took the picture frame, which held the picture of me and him, in my hand: "Weird, I don't remember any of this, but it seems that we all are very good friends."

"Your dad told you the truth, we are like a family." Rick said and moved closer to me: "Just relax and then your memories will come back to you. I will help you every step of the way, I promise."

"Thank you, Rick. You are making this a lot easier for me." I said and put the picture down and sat beside him on the couch: "So what am I into these days?"

"Into?!" He chuckled a little: "You are very focused on your work, you really love what you do. Other than that you enjoy drinking a lot of coffee, probably too much, if you ask me. You also told me you enjoy seeing the snow melt away in central park in the spring and evenings with a good book on your couch."

"So I am still the same." I said and breathed out, relieved that I hadn't lost myself over the years working as a police detective.

Rick tilted his head slightly: "I'm afraid I can't say that, I never knew you before you were a detective."

"Right, but for some weird reason I feel like I have known you all my life." I pulled my legs up to my chest: "Everything is very unfamiliar and cold and so far away. Like I am just watching from the outside, but with you it's different. I have the feeling that you have always been there and that you will always be there."

"I will, always." He promised me.

When my dad came back we sat down in the living room to have dinner.

"Do you want someone to stay with you tonight?" My father asked out of the blue.

I looked up at him, then to Castle, who had stopped chewing and swallowed hard.

I shook my head: "I think I will be fine tonight."

"Are you sure? You don't remember anything from the past years and you want to stay alone?"

"The last memory I had was living on my own, anyway I will have to get used to all of this again and I could use the time alone to go through some stuff." I explained, his eyes were still weary with concern, so I added: "You can pick me up for breakfast tomorrow morning."

"Okay, Katie." He said now a little bit more at peace with his worries.

After we had finished eating and everything was cleaned up my father grabbed his keys and his wallet: "It is getting late. I will go and leave you two alone to talk a little more. See you in the morning, Katie."

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and left the apartment quietly.

Castle was standing in the middle of my living room and didn't really know what to do.

"Sit down, Rick." I said and smiled at him, it was a little funny that all of a sudden he acted as if he had never been in this apartment.

 _It was weirder than I had imagined to be alone with her again after her father left. She hadn't noticed but her father had given me this look during dinner, as if he knew what had been going on between me and Kate before the accident._

 _I didn't want to break it to her because I was hoping that she would remember herself soon enough. I had to remind myself that this was only temporary, the Kate I and everyone else loved would soon come back._

 _We were sitting down on the couch again and I so terribly wanted to touch and hold her, tell her, promise her that everything would be fine. She was confused, only natural if you wake up and don't remember the past five years of your life and everyone around you is unfamiliar even though they all claim that they are your best friends._

 _"_ _Do you know if my colleagues mentioned anything about me coming back to work?" She asked and broke the silence._

 _I shook my head: "No they didn't but I am sure that they want you to recover before you start chasing bad guys again."_

 _"_ _Chasing bad guys… That's what you call it?" She giggled a little._

 _I grinned: "Yes, we are chasing bad guys and putting them behind bars. We are actually pretty good at it."_

 _"_ _I can only imagine." She said._

 _This hit me more than I liked to admit. It was true, she could only imagine, there was no prove in her mind that we had fought crime together and even if it was in there it was buried for now. Right now I was nothing more than a stranger with a familiar feeling to her but to me she was my whole world._

 _"_ _Would you like me to take you to the precinct tomorrow, just to take a look around? Your doctor said it might bring back a few memories if you go to familiar places."_

 _"_ _Sure, let's give it a go." She said and looked at me with a smile: "It's still not completely clear to me how a writer got to work with a NYPD detective."_

 _So I explained to her the whole story about the first case we worked together and how completely annoyed she was with me at first and that after talking to the mayor had allowed me to follow her around she had been even a little frustrated but that she had grown on working with me together and so we ended up as a great crime solving team._


	2. Once upon a time there were familiar

Hello everyone!

Thank you for all the lovely reviews and the followers. I didn't know that there were still so many people out there that are still so involved with the show. I still dearly miss Castle because I really loved that show and to be honest I haven't found anything that could compare yet. Maybe that is why I needed to write this story...

A special thanks to the Guest reviewer for all your help. I am glad for every detail that you find that is incorrect because English is not my first language and I love constructive cristicism, so please don't be shy if you see anything else that is incorrect. I read this chapter very thoroughly but I am sure that some of you can still find mistakes! :)

As for the way that Katherine talks, I know it seems unfamiliar and strange and not what we were used to but I have a reason behind her different way of speach. After all she just lost her memory and is missing a big chunk of the past years in her life.

Now enough of me and here is the chapter!

Enjoy! :)

 **2\. Once upon a time there were familiar places**

 _I had left the apartment after our little story time. Something I wasn't used to anymore, usually I would stay with her and hold her while she fell asleep, feel her breath on my skin and dream of never having to go to bed without her by my side. Now I would have to practice myself in the fine art of patience until her memories brought her back to me. I walked back home and was greeted by my daughter who was still sitting on the couch reading._

 _"_ _Alexis, what are you doing up?"_

 _"_ _I was waiting for you to come home, any news from Beckett?"_

 _"_ _She still doesn't remember a thing if you mean that. She, her dad and I had dinner and I stayed for a little while longer to tell her the story of how our partnership began."_

 _"_ _Or how you forced your way into the NYPD." She said smiling and went up the stairs: "I hope that she comes back soon."_

 _"_ _Me too, pumpkin." I mumbled and walked towards my own bedroom._

The next morning I woke up early and hopped under the shower to get ready for breakfast with my father. This was the most normal thing for me right now because my father was a familiar face, he had known me the longest and I love spending time with him, so this morning was a great idea. As promised he came and picked me up, we drove out of the town to eat at a little diner upstate where it was much calmer than in the big city.

"How are you feeling today? Anything came back over night?" My father asked when I sat down with him in a booth.

I shook my head: "Nothing yet, nothing that I recognize but Rick seems familiar, I don't remember him but I feel that we have a connection."

"Yes, you clearly have that." My father said while laughing a little.

"What is so funny about that?"

He stopped chuckling and looked at me with pure fatherly love in his eyes: "You two were very close. You had a relationship no one seemed to understand, Lanie was sure that you would end up together one day but you always fought that, saying Castle was only a friend and your partner. The way you look at him now is different."

"Oh…" I mumbled and looked down.

I tried really hard to remember all of this. It didn't occur to me why I would fight it if there really was something between me and him? Maybe something happened in these years that I was missing so that I didn't trust him or for some reason I wasn't ready.

My father took my hand: "Don't worry, your memory will come back and as for me I believe that Castle cares about you very much. He will help you through this."

"He is taking me to the precinct today, the doctors said it would be good to take me to familiar places." I said and automatically this smile crept on my face. I had the feeling it had something to do with the handsome writer.

"That is good Katie, who knows maybe everything will come back to you when you walk through the doors of your precinct."

After that we had breakfast and talked about the past years, what had happened and how important my work was for me. He told me that sometimes I could burry myself in a case and nobody could stop me until I finally caught the killer, always by my side, the writerboy, my father told me that nobody called him 'Rick' but that everybody just called him 'Castle'.

 _I was about to get ready to pick up Kate when I sat down on my bed and pulled out the Polaroid photo that Kate and I took in my apartment one evening. We were both laying in bed and I just pressed a kiss on her forehead when she took the photograph. That day I had promised to keep it in the top drawer of my bedside table. After all, what we had was still a secret. But at least I had proof that what we had was real, that she had really been by my side and that she had promised to be mine alone. I prayed that my Kate would soon be returned to me and that we could continue to be amazing. But even if it would take months or years for her to remember I would stay with her as long as she would let me. I put the photograph back in the drawer before I left, she would come back to me, I knew it but I wouldn't force myself on her, she had to come back herself, I could only be by her side and help her._

 _When I knocked on the door of her apartment she opened almost immediately with her jacket on her arm, she was probably already waiting for me._

 _"_ _Ready to go?" I asked her and smiled._

 _She returned the smile: "Yes, I am ready. I've only got one question. Would you mind if we walked?"_

 _"_ _Absolutely not, do you remember the way?"_

 _"_ _No, I don't think so, but you do right?"_

 _I nodded: "Yes, just seeing if anything is coming back yet."_

 _So together we walked to the precinct and I was just walking closely by her side when she laid her hand around my arm. This was more intimacy than I was used to of her in public._

 _We met Lanie outside of the precinct because she was just about to walk in as well. Her eyes were fixed on our linked arms._

 _"_ _Kate!" She said and stretched her arms out to hug her friend._

 _Kate walked towards her friend, even though she was unfamiliar to her and hugged her with quite the discomfort in her statue. We all walked in together and took the elevator to the office level, Lanie decided to join us on the journey because she had information for Javier's and Esposito's case._

 _When the elevator doors sprung open Kate looked at me and then carefully took a step into her office that once had been familiar to her. Just when I wanted to follow her Lanie grabbed my arm and held me back._

 _"_ _Go on Kate, I just want to have a quick word with writer boy." Lanie said._

 _Kate was a little unsure but proceeded towards the desks where Espo and Ryan were sitting._

 _"_ _What do you think you are doing castle?" Lanie asked me with a harsh voice._

 _I was a little confused: "What do you mean?"_

 _"_ _You walked with her arm in arm. She doesn't remember Castle, don't use that to your advantage."_

 _I was a little shocked: "What?! No, Lanie, this was her doing, I just suggested for her to come here to maybe activate some of her memories but she feels somehow connected to me. You heard what she said in the hospital, she thought I was her boyfriend. This is not about me, this is about her and I want to make her feel safe and if that means that she wants me to hug her I will."_

 _"_ _Just don't do anything that Kate wouldn't do if she still had her memories." Lanie warned me and pushed me out of the elevator: "I am warning you."_

 _"_ _I won't." I said and walked over to Kate._

When I saw Rick's face when he was speaking to Lanie I felt that something was up and wished I could have asked him right there but I was sure I would have time to ask him later. My colleagues had welcomed me with open arms and I searched the room for something familiar but I couldn't find anything that seemed to activate any memories about this place. To me all those desks and people were unfamiliar, it was as if I was here for the first time.

"Hey Beckett." Esposito said and gave me a quick hug.

I looked at Ryan who simply nodded towards me: "Good to see you here."

"I would like to say it feels good to be back but I don't have any memories of this place." I told them honestly and looked around, hoping to find anything that was familiar.

Then Rick and Lanie joined us. Esposito laughed: "Of course you brought writer boy."

"Actually it was his idea." I told them and moved over to Rick.

I felt safer when I was closer to him as if he could shield me from any harm.

We stayed for a coffee and Rick gave me a quick tour through the office but he noticed that I was feeling more uncomfortable with every passing minute and so he ended the tour rather quickly, we said goodbye to everybody and left the precinct.

It was still mid afternoon and so we could still do something: "Wanna grab something to eat?"

"Yes, sure." He said and looked around: "Any ideas to what you would like for dinner?"

"No, maybe we could get something from the supermarket and cook at home. I feel like I have been out and about enough for today." I told him and linked my arm to his again.

He nodded: "Sure, how about pasta with my special sauce?"

"That surely sounds delicious." I said and so we grabbed a cap, got a few supplies and made our way back to my apartment.

Castle was already unpacking everything while I was changing into something more comfortable, I was already feeling tired even though I was only out for a few hours.

 _Kate seemed overwhelmed with everything today, I could only imagine how it must feel like when everybody wants you to remember but you simply can't. To her everything that she saw today was mostly unfamiliar and getting to know new things can be very exhausting. So the evening of comfy-food and staying in her apartment sounded pretty good._

 _When she emerged from her bedroom again she was wearing black leggings and the sweater I had left here a few weeks ago for her to wear when she needed me to be there when I wasn't. She probably didn't know that this was my sweater but it made me smile when she picked it out either way._

 _"_ _Can I help you with anything?" She asked as she came into the kitchen._

 _I pointed at the vegetables we had brought: "You could cut these up if you'd like."_

 _"_ _Sure." She said and got to work._

 _Then everything was silent for a little while before she started talking again: "I don't cook much, right?"_

 _"_ _Ehm…" I mumbled and started grinning: "No, you usually just order in, what gave you away?"_

 _"_ _There is nothing in my fridge expect for three lemons and a jar of pickled onions that are probably living already." She told me and started grinning._

 _Our dinner was ready quickly and we could move to the eating part before 6 o'clock._

 _"_ _So what would you like to do tomorrow?" I asked as I slumped down on her couch._

 _She only picked around in her food with her fork and was clearly thinking but not saying anything. But instead of poking I just gave her the time she needed._

 _"_ _Maybe we could just take a walk in central park, without trying to activate my memory? Just giving my brain a day off." She said without even looking at me, I feared that she was a little afraid of the reaction._

 _I smiled: "Of course. How about sleeping in as well? You seem a little tired after today, you had a lot to take in after all."_

 _"_ _That sounds great." She said and looked up at me, visibly at ease that I seemed to understand the situation._

 _After we finished our dinner I left her apartment pretty quickly, I wanted her to have some alone time and I wanted to see what Alexis was up to tonight._

 _Thank you for reading this chapter._

 _I am looking forward to every review! :)_


	3. You are not yourself right now

**Hey guys,**

 **I just came back from my vacation to New York city. It inspired this chapter a little bit. I sadly didn't get as much done as I would have liked to. I'll try to update more frequently now but my semester at University just started again so I can't make any promisses.**

 **As always constructive criticism and any other positive reviews are highly appreciated.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **3\. You are not yourself right now**

The next morning I woke up and I had to look around for a few seconds to figure out where exactly I was. Then it came back to me: I was in my new apartment, well not new but new to me. I had fallen asleep in the oversized sweater that surely belonged to an ex-boyfriend of mine but it was pretty comfortable so I just kept it on and went into the kitchen to make myself breakfast. This morning called for bacon and eggs.

When I was about to be ready with eating someone knocked on my door. I looked through the spy in the door, it was my friend Lanie from work.

I opened the door and greeted her: "Good morning."

"Good morning." She said and looked at me top to bottom, her eyes staying fixed on my sweater. "Did you just fall out of bed?"

"No, I just had breakfast." I told her as we walked into the living room. "Rick and I want to go and take a walk in central park later but we thought it would be best to sleep in today."

"Is he here?!" Lanie asked and looked around.

I shook my head: "No of course not. Why would he be?"

"Because you are wearing his sweater." She said and turned around to face me: "Why is that?"

"Oh that's his?!" I asked and looked down on myself, the size could fit him: "I don't know it was in my closet and I just put it on, it's comfortable."

"What the hell is Castle's sweater doing in your closet?!" She really seemed to be bothered by this.

I shrugged my shoulders: "I have no idea."

Then she suddenly grabbed my arm: "You have to tell me if he is trying anything."

"What do you mean trying?" I was completely clueless but Rick seemed to be a touchy subject to her. I wondered why?

She shook her head and let go of my arm: "Nothing, It's just, he is a friend, yes, and I know you don't remember but there is a completely different side to him. He used to change the women he dated more often than his sheets. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"It's okay, I am a big girl." I said with a smile and invited her to sit down.

I poured her a cup of coffee and came back to the living room.

"So still nothing?" She asked and looked at me with a sad expression.

I shook my head: "Sadly, no but I am sure I will get there."

"Right, let's not give up hope. Your memories could come back any second."

We talked about our last case. It was a father of three who had been murdered by his wife because he had had an affair with his secretariat. Now the mother was going away for murder and the three kids all under the age of ten were sent to a foster home because neither wife nor husband had close family that still lived or who lived in the area. Lanie was truly upset about this not only because of the dead husband, she felt sorry for the children. They were on their own, their mother in jail and their father dead, they would have a trauma for the rest of their lives. Although I had no memory of this case it hit me hard, three children without parents, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt suddenly afraid, this instinct fear of your whole life changing in front of your eyes from one second to the next, like a car accident that suddenly ripped a beloved family member away or someone being murdered, crept into my thoughts. Then, like a train I hadn't seen coming, it hit me and I got thrown under the wheels, the images of my mother laying dead in an alley came back to me, thrown into a pile of trash. Who promised me that none of this would ever happen to anyone else who was close to me?

I turned away from Laney, hiding my tears and mumbled: "Excuse me."

Then I practically fled to my bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me.

Not one day on this earth was promise, not a single one. It didn't occur to me at that time what was happening to me, I just knew that I was pretty sure I had never felt like this before. Maybe the past years as a detective in New York had shaped me in a way that I had learned to fear the world rather than to embrace it with all its faults and cruel things living in it.

A few moments later Lanie knocked on the door: "Kate? Are you all right?"

"Yes." I managed to get out, rather unconvincingly: "I'll be right back. Just give me a minute."

"You really don't sound okay to me. Is it because of the victim-"

I interrupted her: "Please, Lanie. Give me a minute."

Then she fell silent, I didn't hear any footsteps on the other side of the door so I assumed she was still standing there. So I pulled myself off of the floor and splashed cold water in my face. This inner fear was completely new and overwhelming to me.

The doorbell interrupted another train of thoughts that was hunting me and I opened the door of the bathroom. Lanie was still standing there, waiting for me to say something. I brushed passed her and went to the front door.

When I opened Rick was smiling at me: "Hi."

"Hello." I said, I felt relieved to see him.

"You didn't make it into clothes yet, unless you want to wear an oversized sweater and leggings to the park." He stated and came inside.

I grinned: "I'll change. Just give me a minute."

"Take as long as you like." He sat and slumped down on the couch, pulling out his phone.

I slowly walked to my room when Lanie walked in. She saw that a smile had returned to my face and then looked to Rick, then her face darkened.

"Castle!" She said with a growl in her voice.

I felt that this was not a conversation I wanted to take part in and so I slipped into my room.

 _I looked up and smiled friendly at Lanie, when I saw her expression my smile faded and I was on alert._

 _"_ _You like this, don't you?!" She said and came closer to me: "Something is not right with her, Castle."_

 _"_ _I know, she has memory loss." I said and got up from the couch, I wanted to stand my ground._

 _I was not the bad guy in this story, I wasn't the one who robbed her place and slammed something over her head. It was not my fault that she didn't have her memories and I saw absolutely no reason to why I should leave now and restrain myself from seeing her. After all she was my girlfriend, even if she didn't remember._

 _"_ _I mean beside her memory loss. She is not herself Castle, it feels like I am talking to a different person."_

 _"_ _She is missing years of her life. You have been a different person five years ago, just give her some time. She will remember and then everything will go back to how it once was but right now nobody can change anything about this."_

 _She fell silent, not sure about what to say. So she just picked up her bag and left the apartment without another word._

 _I didn't know what she wanted at that time, the Kate we all knew was not there right now and there was no way to forcefully make her remember, I didn't know why Lanie wouldn't just accept that._

 _A few minutes later Kate came back into her living room, not dressed in my sweater anymore. I smiled as I looked at her, she was so stunningly beautiful, even if she was just wearing a pair of black jeans with boots and a turtle neck, to me she still was the most beautiful woman in this world._

 _"_ _Ready to go?" I asked._

 _She nodded._

 _"_ _Where did Lanie go?"_

 _"_ _She left." I said and this was enough for her. I had the feeling the two of them had had an argument before this._

 _It was warm, even though it was October and busy, as it always was in New York City. It was true, it was the city that never slept and the city that was never quiet. From her apartment it was quite a walk to Central Park. But when we finally reached the green oasis, in the middle of grey buildings that seemed to touch the sky, the noise seemed to quiet down at least and I could feel how her body relaxed. When we stepped onto the grass of the sheep meadow she inhaled slowly._

 _"_ _I like how quiet it is here compared to the rest of the city." She said and turned around to me._

 _I nodded: "Sometimes all the noise can take its toll on you."_

 _"_ _It feels like today it's going to swallow me whole…" She murmured more to herself than saying it to me._

 _Lanie was right, something had gotten her down, she was in love with this city and of course it had its downsides and I really enjoyed the time that I spent in the Hamptons or somewhere else but she genuinely didn't seem to want to be here._

 _I slumped down in the grass and she followed soon, only she looked way more graceful than I ever could._

 _"_ _Should I ask what argument you and Lanie had earlier?"_

 _She just shook her head, so that was a no. When she was ready she would open up to me._

 _"_ _Maybe I just need to get out of the city for a little while." Her fingers wandered through the grass as she spoke: "I am sure I can't work in this condition and maybe it would do me some good to get out of here for a while."_

 _"_ _Just out of here. I thought about going up to my father's cabin upstate."_

 _"_ _Your father's cabin, huh?"_

 _I knew it was her father's place and that she felt comfortable there but was about 100 percent sure that she would love the house in the Hamptons even more. Before the robbery we were planning our first trip there. Maybe I was overstepping my boundaries but it couldn't hurt to ask._

 _"_ _How about I take you to the Hamptons for the weekend, it's not as far as your father's cabin and it has a beach." I said smiling._

 _And there it was, this beautiful captivating smile: "To the Hamptons?"_

 _"_ _Yes, you don't remember but I have a house there and we could spend a few nights and did I mention that the beach is just outside the door?"_

 _"_ _You might have mentioned it before." She giggled. "That truly sounds good…"_

 _A few seconds she just sat there in silence and thought about it: "Why not? Beach sounds good. And you are sure you can just leave?"_

 _"_ _Yes, Alexis is fine with my mother and I am a writer, my work schedule is pretty flexible." I told her._

 _With a slightly tilted head she narrowed her eyes on me: "Alexis… I have the feeling I should know who this is."_

 _"_ _Alexis is my daughter."_

The way he said those words captivated me, his chest swelled with pride when he started to tell me all about his teenage daughter. She was a student with perfect grades and a lovely character but what he was most proud of was that his teenage daughter could tell right from wrong, her inner sense of what was right surprised him every time. To me it sounded like they had a great relationship even if the mother more or less just left them and he had to make it work pretty much on his own. I didn't know why Lanie thought of him as being such a bad person. How bad could he truly be if he raised such a wonderful woman? I didn't even remember what Alexis looked like but I had the feeling she would be just as lovely as he described her.

When he dropped me off at my apartment later that day he gave me a list to what I should pack and then left me to sort everything out and to talk to his mother about his short trip with me to the Hamptons.

I was sure that if I told anyone from work they would all go crazy about how I can't go away with him. Surely Lanie would tell me that he was the worst person on earth for even suggesting this. I wasn't stupid, I knew what this looked like, me leaving to spent a few days with him at his beach house. Probably the whole world would think that he had something planned by asking me to go away with him but I knew that he only wanted to help me. He knew how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin right now and the noise and business of the city didn't help. The thing I was looking forward to most was being able to hear myself think again.

And so, despite of what everyone else would think, I packed my things with a smile on my face. I took everything with me that I felt comfortable in and a book that I just blindly grabbed out of the shelf and called my father. At least someone should know where I was so they wouldn't think anything happened to me.

"Katie?" He seemed a little surprised but happy to hear from me.

"Hey Dad. How are you?"

"Good. Just a little tired, it was a hard day at court. How are you doing?"

"Good, Rick and I went to Central Park today." I paused for a moment: "Did I like living in the city, Dad?"

"What?" He asked a little overwhelmed by my question.

"I mean I remember I grew up here and moved to Manhattan when I started working for the NYPD but did I still love living here like two weeks ago, before the accident?"

"As far as I could tell yes, you loved going out with your friends and you enjoyed the city that never sleeps. You admired it for everything it had to offer. But why are you asking? Did something happen?"

"I don't know, I feel like it could swallow me whole now. It's so busy and loud and smelly. I talked to Rick about this and also thought about going upstate to just relax for a bit and then he suggested that we spent a few days in his house in the Hamptons because apparently he has one there and I know it sounds a little stupid but I decided I would go. Spending a few days at the beach can't hurt, right?"

"Katie?" He asked laughing: "Are you asking me for permission to go away with him?"

"No… I just…" I stopped and started giggling: "Okay maybe I do, yes, but only because I have the feeling that Lanie would rip off my head if I told her and I really don't get why."

"She is just looking out for you, Katie. He doesn't see the Richard Castle you see. It was like that before the accident. You saw the loving father, the great writer and a good friend that had your back, Lanie saw the extravagant parties and the women he used to run around with. But the guy that Lanie still see's in him is almost gone as far as I can tell. So in short, go with him I am sure he will take good care of you, I trust him, Katie."

Hearing my father say that he placed his trust in Rick meant the world to me. When I ended the call I felt reassured to leave for the Hamptons the next day and flee from this apartment I didn't know. With my suitcase standing in the middle of the living room the only thing that I had to do was to prep the place for me to be gone for a few days, taking things out the fridge and taking out the trash.

Little did I know that this simple task would turn my whole world upside down and end my life as I knew it, even my memory loss couldn't compare to this because doctors said that it would vanish soon.

I was almost done when I remember to take the trash out of the bathroom. When I opened the trash can I fell into a state of shock and just stood there, frozen for a few minutes, not even able to think of anything, my mind being completely blank. Then I started breathing rapidly and walked backwards to the other wall of the bathroom, leaning against it for support. This just couldn't be true, not now.

The thing that I had discovered that was the reason for me to go into complete shock was nothing more than a white little stick. The most frightening thing however was the little plus sign on top of it.


	4. You don't drown, you breathe

Hey guys,

thank you for the super nice and extremly motivating Reviews for the last chapter.

I hope I didn't keep waiting too long :)

Enjoy

 **4\. You don't drown, you breathe**

My mind was racing. My father had told me that I didn't have a boyfriend right now. Then my mind was already miles ahead, I saw myself with a kid on my hip completely on my own. In that moment I prayed for my memories to come back to me so I could figure this out. I quickly ran out of the bathroom, not really sure where to go just knowing that I didn't want to be in there anymore.

I calmed myself in saying 'Maybe it isn't yours' over and over again in my mind. I mean it could be possible right? Maybe it belonged to Lanie, maybe she had a boyfriend. One thing was sure, I couldn't just ask her about this because if it wasn't hers that would only mean more trouble.

I grabbed my phone and searched through every text message from the past weeks, leaving clues to anyone that I could be in a relationship. But there wasn't much, I mostly just had contact with Rick, Lanie, my dad, Esposito and Ryan. The others were a few officers from the precinct about changing vacation days and things that were related to other cases we solved before. In short I had no private life, at least there was no clue of it on my phone.

I slumped down on the couch. Maybe this happened randomly at a bar, maybe the new me that I didn't remember had one-night stands. But I was a detective how difficult could it be to figure something like this out? This was important.

So I moved to my handbag and searched through it, maybe there was another clue to who my significant other or hook-up was. I only fished the usual trash out of my handbag, a few granola bars, a bottle of water, receipts, my filofax, hair elastics and chewing gum wrappers. When I looked at the contents spilled out in front of me on the carpet my eyes wandered over everything and stopped at the filofax. It was a long shot but maybe there was something inside it that could help me.

By occupying myself without directly thinking about what I had just found it kept my anxiety at bay. I had a purpose right now, finding the guy that I slept with, so I didn't have to think about what this actually meant.

As soon as I opened it a pink sticky note fell into my lap. I picked it up, there was an address in the top left corner, it was a reminder for a doctor's appointment. Judging from the color of the paper and the picture of a baby on the bottom right corner I knew exactly what kind of doctor this was.

My hands starting shaking as I read the time and date of it, it was dated three days from today. This threw out the possibility of the white stick belonging to anyone else but me. My heart was pounding so hard I was sure it would jump out of my chest any moment.

This just couldn't be true, I couldn't be pregnant.

"Pregnant…" I whispered the word, afraid to even think it.

I had lost years of my life and now it turned out that I was in this situation. This was a cruel joke of the universe, I was sure.

 _While packing my things I wore a smile on my face that most people would describe as a silly grin. I couldn't believe that Kate actually said yes to spending time with me in the Hamptons maybe once she calmed down she would remember who I was to her and we could continue to be us. Even if she didn't I would be there by her side as whatever she needed, a friend, a partner in crime or in life. I just needed to give her time and make the other's understand that they just needed to accept her for what she was for now._

 _I knew that the doctors said she would regain all her memories but I thought about what would happen if she never remembered, never remember the first time we kissed in front of her apartment on a hot summer night under a cloudless sky. I let myself be swept away by the memory._

 _We had been out in a bar after we had solved another case. That had become our ritual more or less after she surprisingly said yes to having a drink with me one night. We enjoyed the time in each others company and for some reason she just stopped trying to keep me away from her. She finally let me in, see her when she was at the vague of tears when we had found a young girl that had been stabbed to death and also she let me see her smile when she was just happy that it was another beautiful sunny day in the city that dreams are made of. Our relationship had been far more intimate before we shared that first wonderful kiss._

 _I walked her up to her apartment and waited for her to open the door to the building but suddenly she turned around and looked at me, clearly searching for words that refused to leave her mouth just then. In that moment in the glow of the street like she looked so beautiful I just had to take a leap of faith and make the next step. I carefully took her face into my hands and carefully pressed my lips onto hers. I expect her to slap me any second or at least be completely shocked, but her hands just wrapped around my neck and pulled me closer to her. Slowly I let my hands slide down to her waist and held her while we shared that very special first kiss. After we parted I saw a shy smile on her lips and she looked down at the pavement. We didn't talk about what happened that night, it wasn't awkward we just fell into a wonderful routine as if us being together was just the way the world was designed to be. It was as natural to us as the sun rising every day._

 _I just had to believe that this shyly smiling woman would be returned to me. After all she told me that this was what all the great love stories were about, beating the odds and that would be exactly what we'd do. I had seen in her eyes, that deep down there was still the woman that had captured my heart and I had faith._

 _After I had finished packing everything I took the Polaroid photo out of its drawer and looked at it. We would return to be us, in time._

I longed for a very strong drink right now but the better half inside of me whispered that this was off the table for a while now. How could this work out for the best? Maybe I just needed to sit it out and wait until my memory brought the mysterious father figure back to me. But then there was this anxiety in the back of my mind that they would never return I would forever live in an unfamiliar environment and I would also have to raise a child in all of that. Then it hit me, this would be a child and it wouldn't get easier but harder with time passing by. If my memory didn't return I had to forever be the woman who didn't remember who fathered her child. I didn't want to be that kind of person, I just couldn't.

I had dreamed about the day when I found find out that I was pregnant when I had been in law school but back then I imagined that it would be when I was already married for a few years and in a stable relationship with the love of my life. It most certainly didn't look like this: Me alone in a place that I didn't know and not remember how it all happened. Out of every possible scenario this was probably the worst, at least I couldn't come up with one that could be. In that moment I knew that I couldn't just sit around and wait for help that may never came. I had to find the father and according to everyone else I had been a good detective than it would have to suffice for this search of most importance. I had no idea where to even start looking and in that moment I couldn't take it anymore.

I felt like I was drowning in my thoughts and just started to cry because I didn't know what else to do right now. I couldn't talk to anyone about this, Lanie was mad at me anyway, I would most certainly not tell my dad and then there was only Rick, someone that had shine the brightest, but I couldn't tell him either. I was all alone with this and right now I couldn't find a way out.

I thought about calling Rick and telling him I wouldn't go with him to the Hamptons because I thought I needed to figure this out first but it felt like the ceiling would drop on my head any moment, now even worse than before. I needed to get out of here and think about everything in a quiet moment. And I was sure that if I would cancel now he would ask why and I wasn't sure that I wouldn't just burst into tears and clung to him for dear life, hoping he would see a way out for me.

 _The next morning I had a spring in my step and a grin plastered across my face, I would enjoy this trip, spending time with the love of my life. Just when I had rolled the suitcases into the living room my daughter came down the stairs, still in her pajamas and rubbing her eyes._

 _"_ _Good morning." I greeted and moved over to the coffee machine: "How did you sleep?"_

 _"_ _Apparently not as good as you." She said and poured herself some orange juice._

 _I stopped grinning and turned around: "Grams is going to be here and she said she wanted to cook so you better pick up something on your way back from school, I left you my credit card on the counter, if you can't bare her food anymore just take her out to a nice restaurant."_

 _"_ _Ok, dad, but you know I can cook, right?" She said smiling and sat down at the counter._

 _I moved over to her and put a plate of fruit in front of her: "I know, I just want you to be okay while I'm gone."_

 _"_ _I will be. I am more worried about you to be honest."_

 _"_ _Why would you be worried about me?" I asked, still smiling, thinking this was just a joke._

 _She looked at me as serious as she possibly could and I swallowed hard._

 _"_ _Dad, you know that Beckett lost a big portion of her memory, especially everything about you so she is not credible for anything that is going to happen. Please keep that in mind."_

 _I huffed: "What?! Nothing is going to happen!"_

 _"_ _I know you dad, you had a crush on her since the day you met her. The only thing that I ask is that you act as a grown up."_

 _How did I raise such a great and responsible person? It didn't really occur to me because she definitely didn't have that from me and I was even more sure that her mother also had absolutely nothing to do with that._

 _"_ _I promise I will be on my best behavior and I do not have a crush on Detective Beckett."_

 _Even I heard that what I was saying was the farthest from the truth it could possibly be. My daughter just shook her head, grabbed a piece of apple and walked up the stairs._

 _I packed a few snacks for the road and was almost ready to leave the apartment, I was just checking that I left money for Alexis again and I had written a schedule for my mother so that she knew where Alexis would be at all times. After I said my goodbyes to them I got into the car and drove over to Kate._

My knees started shaking involuntarily as I saw Rick approaching in a black Mercedes, he most certainly didn't fit into the neighborhood. I walked towards him with my suitcase behind me. Quickly he jumped out of the car and opened the trunk.

"Good morning. How did you sleep?" He asked.

"Okay…" I mumbled. He could probably tell that that was a lie by the dark circles under my eyes and I was pretty sure my eyes were still red from crying. I had maybe slept an hour at most tonight, the other time I had thought about how I would find the mystery man in my life that had left me in the situation I was now.

We both got in quietly and I was grateful that Rick sensed I didn't want to talk, so he just maneuvered the car out of the crowded city and towards the ocean. The streets in long island were far less crowded and as we got further into the Hamptons the cars that passed us got fewer and more luxurious. I entered unknown territory here but I was sure that as long I was with Rick everything would be just fine. After a few hours of driving we pulled up in front of a huge mansion standing pretty much alone at the beach, you could see the next house in the distance but here you were on your own.

I enjoyed the fresh air as it hit my face when I got out of the car, it was a little colder here than in the city. Rick unloaded our luggage and brought everything up to the house. My feet carried me around the house on a little stoned path directly to the edge of the beach. I was standing on the grass and the next step would be in the sand. My muscles relaxed hearing the soft sound of the waves washing up at the shore and I knew that this had been the right decision. Just to get away from everything for now would be a good idea.

"It's a great view, right?" Rick was standing behind me with a soft smile on his face.

I turned around: "Yes."

In that moment I saw how truly happy he was just to see me relax and I felt more comfortable here than in the city, even though this place was just as unfamiliar it already felt more home than my apartment.

"I'll go inside and prep our dinner." He pointed at a pair of chairs a little further down the beach: "You can sit down over there if you like. Just let everything sink in."

"Thank you, I think I'll do that."

So our ways parted again, he went into the house and I stepped through the white sand looking at the sea. I appreciated that he gave me room to just figure all of this out for myself. After all what was about to come would be a single woman job from what I knew so far, I just had to work on that once I was back in New York but for now all of this was in the distance and I could just breathe.

 _Something was wrong with her, not that she lost her memory but something even worse had happened since I left her. I just prayed that she didn't have a fight with Lanie if she told her that she was going away with me for a few days. Lanie should just get over herself and leave her be for a little bit, if nothing changed in her behavior I would have to talk to her again._

 _I made Lasagna for dinner and Kate just sat at the beach, watching the waves come in, until I called her for dinner. She just needed a break more than anything. Even before the accident she would have needed a vacation but that just wasn't who she used to be, she would work until total exhaustion but that woman was absent for now and had been replaced with a woman that had lost her place in the world and had almost nobody to lean on. I was happy that she looked to me for help that meant that she was still feeling something for me even if her true self was gone._

 _"_ _I made Lasagna." I announced as she came in through the living room door._

 _She put a smile on her face and walked towards me: "That sounds good."_

 _I pulled her chair from the table so she could sit down: "Did you see Lanie again before we left?"_

 _"_ _No…why?" She asked as I sat down in front of her._

 _I shrugged my shoulders: "I don't know you seem upset. I thought maybe she gave you a hard time because you are here with me."_

 _"_ _No, she doesn't know, only my father knows that I am here." She seemed exhausted by her best friends behavior: "I didn't even want to tell her because I was afraid she would freak out so I just went away because to be completely honest with you, I felt like the ceiling would drop on my head any second. I only knew that I needed to get out and I didn't want to defend my actions again. I may have lost my memories but not my mind."_

 _"_ _I am sorry that Lanie is that way but that is probably my fault. I brought this upon myself."_

 _She slightly tilted her head: "How could this be self inflicted."_

 _"_ _I don't know if anybody has told you yet but most of my former relationships either weren't serious or doomed to fail, I was not a very good man but I swear to you that man is gone and you don't need to be afraid that I'll-"_

 _"_ _Rick I trust you. More than anyone else right now, please don't feel obligated to continually promise me that you will treat me like I deserve. I don't expect anything else of you." She spoke in a soft voice that was able to melt my heart._

 _She seemed genuinely happy to be here with me and wasn't force to look at unfamiliar things with everyone hoping she came back._

 _"_ _So… how did we meet?" She asked and looked directly into my face with a smile on her lips._

 _I grinned: "You crashed one of my book parties and brought me in for questioning. You asked me about the time I stole a police horse."_

 _"_ _A police horse?!" She started grinning._

 _"_ _And I was naked at the time." I burst out and then her chin just dropped._

 _"_ _You stole a police horse while being nude?! I think I understand Lanie's concerns now."_

 _Then we both started laughing. Everything felt so easy and so light when we were together, like the world around us wasn't there. It was only me and her._

 _After dinner we went back outside, it was a clear night and we could see the stars twinkling over the sea, again it reminded me of the night of our first kiss._

We were just standing in the sand, a few inches apart, his arms just hanging down from his shoulders. In that moment as I looked at him I dreamed about what it would be like if he was the man in my life and we would be raising this child together. He already was a wonderful father to his daughter and so generous and caring. It didn't occur to me why anybody would leave him. He seemed to be the one in a million, caring and invested.

I slowly walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He clearly seemed to be surprised and looked down on me: "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Can you just hold me? Without it having to mean anything?!" I asked in a soft voice.

He just put his arms around me and pulled me closer: "If you want I'll hold you forever."

That almost broke my heart. He said he would hold me forever and I so desperately wished for it to be true but he would change his mind once he learned that I was expecting a child from another man.

I wondered if our relationship had been this close before because he seemed so comfortable with being close to me. Maybe he had always been my save harbor in rough sea, he most certainly was that now and even if I remembered everything about his past I wished that this what we had right now would continue on, he seemed to be the best friend someone could wish for.


	5. Safe and Sound

**I apologize for the long time you had to wait for me to update but I am super busy at University at the moment. This will probably the last update of this year because I have to many other things to do before christmas. But I hope you do enjoy the chapter anyway.**

 **5\. Safe and sound**

We went to bed alone even if I longed for him to keep holding me but it wouldn't be fair to give him hope where there was none. I would have to learn to continue my day to day life without depending on him, another thing I would have to figure out once we were back in New York.

When I came down the stairs the smell of breakfast already filled the floor level of the house and I found Rick dancing to a happy song on the radio. In that moment my mind slipped out of the present and I imagined a little child running through the kitchen and starting to dance with him. This was cruel and wonderful at the same time. It was like everything you longed for and couldn't have, thinking about it could bring a smile to your face and once you got back to reality it just hurt you.

"Good morning." He said and paused his dance: "Pancakes?"

"Yes, thank you. Nice dance moves." I said laughing and walked towards the table.

Before I could sit down he grabbed both of my hands and pulled me in for a dance: "How did you sleep?"

"Actually really good for the first time, it's so quiet out here…" I mumbled and almost naturally put my head on his chest. I felt his heart beating in his chest and to me that was the most wonderful thing in the world.

We fell into a wonderful silence and just danced for a little while, the world around us didn't matter at that moment. This was definitely not trying to live without him but I just needed to hold him for now so I wouldn't go completely mental.

"So, what would you like to do today?" He asked me while pushing me away a little, so he could look in my face.

"Hm… We could go for a walk on the beach, it's beautiful weather." I suggested.

He nodded: "Yeah… or we could hop into the hot tub?!"

At first I wanted to agree but then I remembered that I probably couldn't. I wasn't absolutely sure anymore but I thought I had heard something about it being bad while you're pregnant.

I tilted my head slightly: "I'd stick with the walk on the beach."

"Whatever you want." Rick said and smiled.

Once we had finished breakfast we both got into our coats and made our way down to the beach.

"Rick?" I asked as we made it to the shore.

He turned to face me: "Yes?"

"I… I need to be back in the city the day after tomorrow." I knew that I didn't remember making the appointment with the doctor but I should go anyway because the me with memories thought it was important enough to go. Anyway I wanted to be sure that I truly was in the dilemma I thought I was in right now.

He wrinkled his forehead and looked at me a little clueless: "Sure. Is it okay if I may ask why?"

"I need to go to the doctors." I said, it was the truth, I just didn't need to say to what kind of doctor.

"Are you feeling worse again?" He got immediately worried.

I smiled and shook it off: "No, just a routine check after the accident."

"Oh, okay. Sure we can drive back." He said at last and walked over to me closing the gap between us.

 _I see how good she was doing now that she was out of the city and I wished I could just stay here with her forever far away from her nagging friends and prying eyes. Our little special place that was what it was meant to be anyway before._

 _"_ _I remember walking down the beach with Alexis when she had just starting walking, she kept falling over again and again because she tripped in the sand…" I remembered and looked at Kate._

 _Before the accident I had dreamed that I would do everything that I had experienced with Alexis once all over again. Only this time I wouldn't be on my own and my children would have a mother that actually and truly cared about them. I knew Meredith was trying her best and Alexis hadn't been planned but to me she was the best thing I had ever created, I adored my little redhead._

 _"_ _Poor girl." Kate said and smiled: "I think I should meet her once we are back in the city, you just keep on talking about her and I don't even remember what she looks like."_

 _"_ _She would surely love that."_

 _Now she turned to me with a confused expression._

 _I quickly explained: "The two of you got along pretty good before the accident, she looks up to you. Her mother isn't around much anymore and although she acts like she doesn't care she lacks a female role model in her life. I mean my mother is great but she is not exactly like Alexis wants to be when she grows up."_

 _A smile crept on her lips but she stayed silent. Kate was the first girlfriend of mine that Alexis truly adored and not just played to be nice until she disappeared again. Technically she didn't know that Kate was my girlfriend then but I was sure that she would be most happy about my choice. I was happy the two most important women in my life were getting along and I was almost sure that it would stay like that even if I had to introduce them again._

 _We were just walking along the beach and picking up seashells here and there and although it wasn't much it was more than perfect in that moment. I could spent all my weekends walking along the white sand beach with her and who knew maybe once her memory came back I would be able to._

 _We got back in the late afternoon, I could feel the exhaustion of the long walks in my limbs but looking at Kate I knew that I was the only one that felt exhausted. She was so well trained that a long walk at the beach was almost nothing to her, I didn't know how she could do it, I loved to spent my Sunday mornings in the bed and she would get up and run a few rounds in central park before crawling back into bed with me._

 _"_ _Would you like me to make a fire in the library? We could read for a little bit." I suggested as she hung up her coat._

 _She nodded: "Sounds perfect."_

 _So I went to get some wood for the fire from the outside and Kate moved to the kitchen to prep some tea for us. This was how I always imagined living with the love of my life, walks on the beach and reading, not the most eventful future for me but I felt that after being married two times I just needed some rest for a while. I just wished for a happy and simple life in my future and Kate was the woman I wanted to spent the rest of my life with, she was the part that made my life as happy as it could possibly be. Her laugh was heartwarming and she made me feel loved even now, even if she didn't know I was her boyfriend._

 _When she entered the room with two steaming mugs I started smiling again and prayed that this would truly be how we would spend the rest of our days together._

 _"_ _So do you have brought any good reading material?!" I asked and went over to my bookshelf, she followed me and looked at the things I had to offer._

 _She let her fingers wander over the back of the books that I had written: "I heard Richard Castle is supposed to be a very good writer…"_

 _"_ _Okay, we have established you are my number one fangirl when I told you about our first case." I said smiling and pulled out the first Nikki Heat novel: "What I haven't told you is that I started writing these after I met you."_

 _"_ _Nikki Heat?! Who is she?" Kate asked and took the book out of my hands._

 _"_ _She is a cop, smart and beautiful." I told her and smiled: "You were the inspiration."_

 _"_ _Oh. Wow." She was stunned and flipped open the first page._

 _I could tell she was reading the dedication at that moment and her lips curled up into a smile. "I feel honored." She said and closed the book again. "Although 'Nikki Heat' that is kind of a stripper name."_

 _She had told me this before only at that time she was basically pissed off with me, today she just laughed about it. Lanie told me she wasn't the same and that was true but even though I wanted for her to have her memories back I really liked her like this, she wasn't carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and tried to be dead serious all the time. She could just let herself fall and actually enjoy everything around her._

 _With the book in her hand she walked over to the one armchair in front of the fireplace and started diving into the world I had created. I pulled out the newest novel of my dear friend Stephen King and started reading it while sitting on the other armchair next to the extraordinary Katherine Beckett._

As I devoured page after page I realized that this book he had written was basically a story about him and me. The journalist was clearly based off of him and as he told me Nikki Heat was based off of me. It felt a little weird but very incredible to have a book written about you even if it was pure fiction. I felt only flattered and interested until I got to page 105. Then I got the sense of what this book really was and that maybe just maybe this feeling that I had towards him since I woke up in the hospital were more mutual than I thought. This book was not simply a piece of writing it was more like a secret love letter. The only question I was asking myself was how I used to feel about this? I had seen on the shelf were more of those Nikki Heat novels so he clearly continued to write them but how did I react when I had read the first book. Did I just ignore the fact that he practically fantasized about me through his writing? According to everyone we were just friends so I clearly never acted on the tension that clearly developed on the pages of this book. The scene in this book didn't really help me with trying to untangle myself from him and sort my life out. After all there was someone else running around in the city that had knocked me up.

I put my finger between the page I was just reading and put it down to look at Rick. He was just sitting there in his sweater reading Stephen King and drinking tea but even simply being him made me feel drawn to him in a way that I had never experienced before. I wanted him to be in my mind and just for that moment I imagined what it would be like if I acted on these feelings that I had for him. The chances of finding a mystery man in a city like New York seemed pretty slim and eventually I would have to face that I may never found him. If I didn't would Rick still care for me? It would be too much to ask of him to have him raise a child with me that he wasn't the father of but in my mind I still could imagine how it would be like. We would all go to the beach together and collect seashells and after we put him or her to bed we would just be sitting here in front of the fire enjoying each other's company. Was this what the perfect life looked like?

"Kate?!" His voice pulled me from the imaginary world inside my head.

I blinked and then looked at him: "Yes?"

"You were staring." He said with a smile: "Everything okay?"

"Yes, I just… I was just reading this…" My eyes fell back onto the book cover, the woman holding the gun in front of a line of buildings.

Then he suddenly flushed and got out of his chair: "Maybe you shouldn't have read that…"

"Too late for that." I said still smiling and looked at him: "Did we ever…?"

 _She had just asked me if we had ever slept together. Very difficult question to answer, not difficult in the way that I didn't know because we clearly had, we had been together for months before the accident but for the sake of my head, that I didn't want to have chopped of by Lanie, I smiled and answered: "No, we didn't. I mean those are characters in a book."_

 _Suddenly she also got up and closed the remaining distance between the two of us. She quickly wrapped her arms around my neck and before I could even process what was happening right now her lips were on mine and my hands were on her back, holding her firmly. I had missed the feeling of being close to her in this way, I had longed to kiss her wonderful lips and all of a sudden I didn't have to linger anymore. It was just like we were back in my apartment back to the people we were before. I loved this woman so much._

Thank you for reading, merry christmas and a happy new year :)

P.S. Reviews would be a very nice christmas present for me :D


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